22 Ways to Kill Paige
by Just-Jayme
Summary: CHAPTER 12 UP! Paige dies. Must be read with sense of humour and and light heartedness.
1. First Things First

22 Ways to Kill Snow White.Or Paige  
  
A/n~~~no offence intended, I promise!!! My friend Kristen and I got this idea cos we have this joke about drowning our best friend, even though we never would, and the three of us love acting out movies, such as The Sweetest Thing (3 main girls, although one- Selma Blair- is less, main.) Never Been Kissed (3 main girls, one not as. rufus?) Then we wanted to do the Charmed Ones and nobody really likes Paige so Kristen was Phoebe, I was Piper and sorry Kim. ne way that's how we decided to drown Paige. A/n~~~Sorry to all the people out there who are also pale and like it, this is not a diss to you or anything, but Rose. "Say it with me.SUNLIGHT."  
  
Paige woke up to the sound of someone singing, she followed the noise to the bathroom and found Cole in the shower, a choir robe on, singing "Amazing Grace."  
  
"Um, Cole, you do realise you're getting your robe wet, right?" She asked, covering her eyes at the.manly sight between his legs.  
  
He blushed. "Oh. so I am! Amaaaazing graaaaace, how sweeet you sound!!!!"  
  
Paige crinkled her eyebrows. "How sweet, THE sound, hon."  
  
"I knew that. Now, if you don't mind, I'm still naked!"  
  
She closed the door behind her and went downstairs. She found Piper and Phoebe in the kitchen, conversing behind a book entitled '22 Ways to get your annoyingly pale half sister out of your life for good'.  
  
'Hmmmm, ironic.' Paige thought but decided nothing of it.  
  
Piper and Phoebe quickly closed the book and shoved it behind their backs.  
  
"Wow! Paige, um. what did you do to your hair this morning? It looks really, um.GREAT!" Piper covered up.  
  
"Thanks, I didn't brush it."  
  
"Oh, well it looks terrific!" Pheobe exclaimed.  
  
"Um, THANKS."  
  
Phoebe checked her watch. "Ooh, hate to run but I gotta get to my pathetic excuse for a job. 4pm, Piper?"  
  
Piper nodded. "See yah there."  
  
Phoebe quickly exited, looking excited.  
  
"So, what's happening at 4?" Paige asked.  
  
"Just a little, uh, birthday party for me out the back. A pool party. Wanna come?"  
  
"Hell yeah! Why wasn't I invited sooner? What pool? We don't have a pool!"  
  
"No but we will after Leo finishes orbing one from the neighbours."  
  
"Cool! I've always wanted to steal a pool! It's soo cool! Whoo Hoo! A pool! How cool! A kitchen stool! Look, drool! A mule! I rule!"  
  
"Stop, now you're just lying!" Piper confronted.  
  
Paige covered her face in her hands. "Too true. Said you. I grew. Guess who? Mooooooooooooooooooo!"  
  
That was it, Piper had had enough! "GET OUTTA MY KITCHEN!"  
  
"Oooooh, someone's bitchin'!"  
  
4pm... (Oooooooooooh Piper's party!)  
  
Piper, Paige and Pheobe are lying on their soil in their backyard, in front of a pool that is half in and half out of the ground, cos it hit some pipes and Leo banged his head. That's why he's with his other wife, I mean. FRIEND getting stitched up. Is all he's doing. Yeah. Prooooomise. Shut up now.  
  
"You guys, this is the worst party ever!" Piper said, narrowing her eyes at Paige.  
  
Pheobe made swirls in the soil.  
  
"How come?" Paige asked innocently.  
  
"Duh! That's obvious! For one, you're here!" Piper yelled.  
  
Paige frowned. "But Pheobe's here too!"  
  
"Well I like her!"  
  
"Oh, sorry."  
  
"That's okay. This is the worst birthday party ever! Hey, you guys wanna play a game?" Piper asked enthusiastically.  
  
"Sure!" Pheobe jumped up.  
  
Paige shrugged. "Okay. As long as I'm not it."  
  
"Course not!" Piper grinned and stood up.  
  
"How do we play?" Paige asked, confused. Piper and Pheobe seemed very eager.  
  
"Well, we see who can stay under water longest, and even if they wanna come up, we don't let them cos we wanna see who can stay the longest." Pheobe explained.  
  
Piper nodded. "Yeah! And first we throw oranges at each other for fun! I get 10 to throw, Pheobe gets 10 too, and you get none! The oranges make our powers not work. Leo got them from the deli." Piper added to no one in particular.  
  
"Okay, let's start! Go!" And Pheobe and Piper immediately threw them at Paige.  
  
20 oranges later, Paige was very bruised and Piper and Pheobe were sore from laughing so hard. "Let's call her citrus girl!!!" Piper enthused.  
  
"Yeah!" Pheobe agreed instantly.  
  
"Now can we play the underwater game?" Paige asked desperately.  
  
"Okaaaaaay." Piper sighed. "You can go first Paige."  
  
"Yay!" Paige cheered.  
  
Pheobe and Piper snickered. On the count of three, Paige ducked her head under water, y'know to see how long she could stay under there, and even when she thrashed around, she wasn't allowed to come up cos they had to see how long she could stay under! Thank god for the oranges so she couldn't cheat and orb out. It turns out if you hold Paige under water for 16 minutes, she drowns.  
  
Piper and Pheobe cheer. Paige is dead. For now.  
  
Until next time. 


	2. TheSecondKilling

22 Ways To Kill Snow White. Or Paige Disclaimer- I forgot to add a disclaimer in the first chapter so everyone should know that I do not own Charmed! Or any other t.v show although I do own a large collection of clothes.That was meant to be a joke. Ha.ha.ha....i'll stop now.  
  
A/n~~~ Anonymous, thankyou for your review, I know this may suck and I do like Paige but it's fun to kill her in as many different ways as possible. Or, 22..  
  
A/n~~~ Thankyou for the other reviews especially Aqua's who's story A Journey Cut Short is cooool! Well I thought it was good. Check it out, people.  
  
A/n~~~Le pamplemousse, Kimberley.  
  
A/n~~~Microsoft Word just told me that Kimberley doesn't spell her name right. It weants to spell it K-I-M-B-E-R-L-Y but. no. It's accepting your name now Kim.  
  
This is for Kim who will hopefully never get oranges thrown at her by Kristen and I because we know how sore your hand was after you touched an orange with it.  
  
"Paige!!!!!! It's already 12! Get outta bed!" Piper hollowed down the hall.  
  
"Late night, huh?" Pheobe asked Paige with raised eyebrows as Paige escaped from her room, shutting the door quickly.  
  
"You could say that."  
  
"I know, that's why I am. Loverboy not up yet?"  
  
Paige narrowed her eyes. "No. So don't go in there and seduce him now while I'm in the shower!"  
  
"Wouldn't dream of it." As Paige walked slowly down the hall, keeping her eyes on Pheobe as she stepped into the bathroom. Pheobe chuckled then opened Paige's door to see what gift her eye would give her today.  
  
"Cole?!?!?!?!" Pheobe gasped.  
  
Cole lifted his head off the pillow. "Wow! Sh*t! Pheebs! Long time, no see!"  
  
"You can say that again."  
  
"Long time, no see. So, how long's it been, high school?"  
  
"Yeah, wow, I guess." As Pheobe stood there gaping at him her older sister walked into the room.  
  
"Coooole!" Piper exclaimed. She ran over and gave Pheobe's high school best friend a huge hug.  
  
"Hey Piper, what the hell!?!?! You're a balloon!" Cole grinned as he patted her belly. She blushed. "Well someone in this family had to have offspring sooner or later. So what's going on? You're with Paige?"  
  
"Another P? I don't get how you guys even know each other, I'm sure she told me last night but we were too high to remember anyway. So, you guys have any dope in the house? Pheebs? Wanna get some together, reminisce about old times?" Cole grinned at her hopefully.  
  
"Gee, maybe some other time. Look Cole, you really gotta go. We've got some stuff we've gotta do."  
  
"We do?" Piper creased her forehead.  
  
"The humph muuur." Pheobe mumbled.  
  
"Oh!!! Oh, I remember. So, yeah see yah Cole."  
  
"Aww, come on guys, no dope today? You've changed Pheebs. Thank god your roommate at least knows how to party."  
  
"Roommate? No, no, no, dear boy. Sibling, uh huh, you got high with my little sister. And little did I know Paige even got high. She smoked dope, so we'll smoke her." Pheobe raved on.  
  
"Pheobe?" Piper asked. "You okay?"  
  
"Sibling?!?!?!" Cole burst out, finally grasping what she had said. "Wow- 4 girls. No offence Piper but is your husband gay?"  
  
"Hey!!!" She exclaimed, insulted. She turned to the sound of whistling as they caught a glimpse of Leo walking passed the door, with sparkly pink high heels, a bright red hand bag and lip stick smeared all over his face. "He's practicing for a play!" She defended, turning the colour of Leo's handbag.  
  
"Yeah, sure. I'm outta here." Cole walked downstairs and out the door, stopping only to trip Leo over on his 4-inch heels.  
  
"Well that was rude!" Piper gasped.  
  
"I know, he didn't even say bye to Paige!" Pheobe exclaimed.  
  
"No, the way he questioned my husband's sexuality! Now let's go, or it'll be too late to blaze." Piper turned and walked down the hall, stepping carefully on Leo as she passed.  
  
Piper and Pheobe carefully set the table as planned. Killing Paige was a tricky business, she was sneaky. They strategically placed a bowl of fruit in the middle of the table. There was a bunch of grapes, an apple, a plum and 14 oranges sitting in the bowl. Paige entered the kitchen from the dining room and sat down at the table, waiting for breakfast.  
  
"So, you know, the guy I slept with turned out to be a total flake! I got back from shaving my beard, uh, legs and he had totally zipped. Men are just. ugh!" Paige declared.  
  
"Hmmmm." Piper frowned sympathetically. "Now!" She yelled. Even faster than the first time, Piper and Pheobe threw oranges at Paige, trying to get the unbandaged spots so that she would have even more citrus reactions.  
  
They cracked up as Paige keeled over, trying frantically to throw the grapes back at them, but Piper and Pheobe, being as skilled as they were, just caught them in their mouths, and has soon eaten the whole bunch.  
  
Quickly, as Paige was out of ammunition Piper threw the currently toasting toaster onto Paige's hair, which caught fire and engulfed her whole body in flames. Pheobe smiled and waved happily as Paige became a crumbling pile of ashes. Piper frowned, looking ready to cry. She quickly grabbed the broom from next to the fridge and cleaned up all of Paige's ashes, throwing them in the bin.  
  
"That's better!" They both grinned widely at each other, happy with their victory as they heard Leo fall down the stairs on his heels.  
  
So, once again, Paige is gone! Until next time, may the evil oranges be careful, for there are only so many evil orange trees. 


	3. TheThird dum dum duuuuum

22 Ways To Kill Paige.humorously TheThirdGhostRises  
  
(And you can pick up your own copy of the book, '22 Ways to get your annoyingly pale half sister out of your life for good' at your nearest K- Mart, or for you Americums, Wal-Mart, unless you actually have a K-Mart. And for Irishums, Or Scotlums, Or Englums, you'll have to order a copy, sorry! UNLESS! Nope, no idea. Well they'll be on-sale at K-Marts and Wal- Marts and other Marts around the world VERY soon.)  
  
Disclaimer: Me no own Charmed. Me own clothes, and um.um.um, photos! And um, Kimberley! She's my slaaaaaave haha Kim now you have to do my Maths homework for me you can start my doing the water feature and give it to Mrs Sherrard on Monday.  
  
Other Disclaimer: I don't own a K-Mart or Wal-Mart or any copies of the book '22 Ways to get your annoyingly pale half sister out of your life for good' and if anyone does have a copy, cool! By the way, I own it. "How much does it cost to copyright something?. What was that Johnnie Howard? Oh, too much you say?. Meh."  
  
Other, other Disclaimer: I don't own John Howard or any other members of the Liberal party.  
  
A/n~~~Sorry to everyone who is offended by this story but if you want you can write something like 22 Ways To Kill Piper and I'll get offended. If you want me to. Whatever. If you don't like killing Paige, then read the chapters after and you see she comes back! How, no-one knows.  
  
A/n~~~Thankyou to all the reviews; most are encouraging.(COUGH, COUGH) Nah, the bad ones are good, I call it, "Constructive Criticism." "Ummm, Jayme that already exists." "Shuddup!"  
  
A/n~~~Someone may read this chapter and find it very familiar to an idea they gave me, thanks I liked it, it was cool! So half of the credit from this chapter goes to AngelWooWoo with the visitor and the coffin scene!  
  
A/n~~~I'm not quite sure if Leo actually is gay, but I think that deep-down everyone can self-consciously feel that there is something not right with that man. He's very.feminine. So I tried out the idea and it kinda fitted; Spooooooky! I am NOT suggesting in any parallel universe of course (a horse of course-Kimmi) that Leo IS gay I think he's HOT! (Just with a misshaped head- I only noticed it last night during Witches In Tights as he was talking to Remus) but anyway he's still a cute character. Okay, on with the story. Sorry I took so long with all the above but I was scared people might start suing me for claiming I owned John Howard!!! Geez, close call!  
  
(I made up a song last night, it was really cool! It went "Scotlums, Scotlums, Scotlums." ect. It was soo cool! Scotlums fascinate me. I wanted to do them for a Society and Environment project but Kimberley was all "I don't think they're a culture." Neither are leprechauns or fairies apparently. And cheerleaders are just a sub-culture. So we're doing Wiccans and Gypsies. How cool!)  
  
Paige woke up to the sound of a light breeze rustling leaves, birds chirping cheerfully, and the gentle sound of Leo snoring peacefully in the next room. Oh, who was she kidding? Thunder rumbled, a huge wind howled, cars honked, Pheobe was yelling at someone, it was hell. Then she REALLY woke up and she could smell blueberry waffles dipped in chocolate syrup and the sound of her sisters discussing a book they had bought a few weeks earlier from K-Mart. She climbed out of bed and fell down a hole. Just kidding.  
  
After wasting all the hot water and throwing her clothes on the floor, she finally went downstairs to the waffles.  
  
"Where have you been?!?!?!" Piper glared. "It was a special occasion!!! I made Leo's favourite!"  
  
"Sorry, slept badly. Did you know that someone was trampling up and down the hall ALL night in high heels, and falling over practically every step!" Paige exclaimed.  
  
"Really? I had no idea, I didn't hear a thing!" Leo said casually into his plate of waffles.  
  
"Well, I found my shoes on the stairs, whoever took them must have had REALLY huge feet!" She held up her shiny orange heels, that now had no toes due to large portions of the shoes ripped.  
  
Pheobe walked in from the lounge room where she had disappeared to as soon as Paige walked in. "Oh, so it's you who can't walk in those things Paige? Give it a rest will ya that's the third night in a row I've had no sleep."  
  
Paige just looked at her fuming.  
  
Piper checked her watch. "Ohmagawd, look at the time! Pr-Priscilla will be here any second! Then she can help us with the" (wiggles her eyebrows at Pheobe)"plan!"  
  
"What plan?" Paige asked looking stupidly from Pheobe to Piper to Leo to Leo's large, high heel wrecking feet, to Piper and back to Pheobe before settling on Leo's feet.  
  
"If God intended you to know all the answers, he wouldn't have invented death." Piper pointed out.  
  
"Well why not?"  
  
"Because he just wouldn't have, I don't know help me with this analogy Pheebs." Piper stressed.  
  
"Sorry, I was looking at Leo's feet." Pheobe apologised. "Besides Piper, you don't need to give Paige an answer for everything; she's dumb, she'll accept it."  
  
"So, she's like you?" Piper questioned.  
  
Pheobe thought for a moment. a long moment. an even longer moment. "Yeah, maybe, I don't know, what was the question?"  
  
Piper growled. "Never mind. Ask me your question again Paige."  
  
"Why would God have invented death if we weren't supposed to know all the answers?"  
  
"Because I said so." Piper replied smartly.  
  
"Oh."  
  
Piper checked her watched again. "Geez, where the demonic wasteland is Pr- Priscilla?"  
  
"Maybe she stopped for milk and cookies." Pheobe pointed out.  
  
"What?" Piper exclaimed.  
  
"I dunno, I was just hoping." Pheobe told her sadly.  
  
Leo, Paige and Pheobe finally looked up from their respective plates of waffles or brother-in-law's shoes as Prue walked in.  
  
"There you are!" Piper yelled.  
  
"Yeah, soz hun. Now let's do this."  
  
Paige tilted her head stupidly. "Do what?" She finally realised who Prue was and started waving stupidly. "Hi, Prue! Hi, Prue!" She yelled, jumping up and own on the spot.  
  
"I don't think so!" Prue yelled, tipping a tall glass of [evil] orange juice over Paige.  
Paige finally finished wiping the juice out of her eyes as Pheobe and Piper finished sealing up the coffin. Prue stood at the end of it, a black veil covering her face and a book from K-Mart open in her hands.  
  
"Say goodbye, oh ever-so-annoyingly-pale-younger-half-witch-slash- whitelighter-sister. May you never come back to us safe and sound. May your soul be trapped forever in that ever-so-uncomfortably-cheap coffin. As life is a day so our ever-so-annoyingly-pale-younger-half-witch-slash- whitelighter-sister has passed into the night. Oh, unblessed spirit, we bid you farewell. May you not return. Ever!" She finished menacingly. So, they didn't want Paige to come back. Understandable. But I bet you can guess what happens next, right? That's right! Paige has a funeral and nobody comes! Because they don't care!!!!! How tragic! Almost! So once again, Paige is doomed to wander the parallel universes alone for awhile, while Prue goes back to heaven and lives happily ever after, very unhappily as she can see into the future and she doesn't like it! A Paige look-a-like comes! At least it isn't the real thing! Or is it?  
  
Dum dum duuuuuuuuum.(Spooky music). 


	4. SMILE! YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!

22 Ways To Kill The Paige Satisfactorily  
  
"Is that a word? . . . Well it is now."  
  
"SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!"  
  
DISCLAIMER: I still don't own Charmed, although I hear it is going off to the highest bidder. I claim KIT!!!!! (Sorry Kit-the-misfit-cat-whose-story- rules-by-the-way). And in case Brad Kern and his band of evil demon writers want to sue me they should know that THEY, being the exaggerated word, own Charmed, and J.Me (that's me) does not. I'm glad we got that settled.  
  
A/N~~~ Okay firstly I would like to thank the clothing store Motif which I do not own but they have this skirt I luuuuuuuuuuuv sooooo much it's so awesum! I'm begging Judy- that's my mum- to get it for me for my birthday cos it's so cool!  
  
A/N~~~ My birthday is soon! March 30th! Cool, almost.  
  
A/N~~~ "SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!"  
  
A/N~~~ Laura (Tinx) lubs Paul and K8 (Katouschka) lubs Dushi!  
  
A/N~~~ Thanks to Laura for helping with some important details of this chapter, ie. What happened with Paul.  
  
22 Ways To Kill Paige, with special guest stars Tinx and Katouschka  
  
Paige sat on the front steps of the manor, reading the newspaper. She had on jeans, 2 jumpers, a ski mask, a ski hat, 2 layers of socks and running shoes; after all, she didn't want to accidentally get a tan or anything!!! She didn't notice the headline of the paper, being 'Alarmingly Pale Girl Survives Coffin Accident!' She continued reading the paper. Turned the Paige*. Read the paper. Paige*.  
  
(Bored yet?)  
  
Paige pretended to read the paper once again as kids were passing to go to school, and she was a little embarrassed that she couldn't read. Sure, the pictures were interesting but wouldn't it be fascinating to really know what the words meant!?!?! Oh boy! Paige was getting excited at the thought. She looked up to see 2 teenagers staring at her. They were standing on the step directly below hers and reading the cover of the paper with strange looks on their faces. They finished after 2.3 seconds and looked back at her intently.  
  
"Can I help you?" She asked, screwing her face up like a baby.  
  
"Can we have your autographs?" The girls asked innocently.  
  
"Sure!" Paige grinned. "What are your names?" She looked around the girls to see 2 boys standing at the bottom of the steps. "Those your boyfriends?" She grinned. "I have a boyfriend!"  
  
"Don't lie!" One of the girls spat.  
  
The other shushed her. "Well I'm Tinx and this is Katouschka. We're a huge fan of yours, we just wish you would stay dead!"  
  
"Oh, well I'm sorry but I keep coming back to life!" Paige frowned.  
  
"I have a boyfriend!" Katouschka told her importantly. "His name is Dushko and that's him on the right." She smirked at Paige.  
  
"Mine is called Paul! He's hotter than Dushi!" Tinx yelled at Karouschka.  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is too!"  
  
"Would you guys shut up, what are you, 10!" Paige yelled at them.  
  
Katouschka narrowed her eyes. "We're 13!"  
  
Paul came running up behind them. "AND YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!"  
  
Paige screamed. "No!"  
  
"Yes!" Katouschka and Tinx yelled, pelting oranges at Paige. Unfortunately, they just bounced off her skin!  
  
"I'm telling my mum on you!" Paige screamed before running inside.  
  
"Alright, that's a wrap!" Dushi yelled from the sidewalk.  
  
Later that day, Paige was in the bath, trying to rinse of all residue from the oranges, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't!  
  
"What are you doing?" Piper came into the bathroom and glared at Paige.  
  
"Trying to wash myself."  
  
"You might want to take your clothes off."  
  
Paige hadn't thought of that. Paige hadn't thought at all. No change there.  
  
She finally climbed back into the bath, minus her clothes 20 minutes later. No matter how hard she tried, she could not take off her jeans!!!! In the end she had had to call Piper for help, who had suggested she push them down over her feet instead.  
  
As she was getting relaxed and closing her eyes, Leo came in and began to put on his make up.  
  
"Leo?"  
  
"What?!?! We're going out for dinner. It's the whole family for once." He went back to applying olive green eyeliner. "You know, this is a great colour for me! It really brings out my eyes!"  
  
"So, who's going to this family dinner?" Paige asked.  
  
"Duh! The whole family." Leo said in his special drag-queen voice, or as we know it, his natural voice.  
  
"Great! Just give me 20 minutes and I'll be outta the bath."  
  
"Who said you were invited?"  
  
"But you said-"  
  
"SHUSH! I have to concentrate, the last time I got some lippy on my teeth."  
  
Leo bared his teeth into the mirror. "PERFECT!"  
  
As he walked out, Pheobe walked in and began blow-drying her hair.  
  
"Uh, Pheebs, how come I'm not going to this family dinner?" Paige asked.  
  
"You'll be dead." Pheobe told her casually.  
  
"Not this time! My powers still work!" Yelled Paige, orbing out of the tub.  
Or, at least trying to orb out of the tub.  
  
"Piper's idea. Orange bubble bath!" Pheobe smiled innocently before throwing the still-plugged-in-hair-dryer into the bath, hitting the water and causing lighting sparks of electricity.  
  
"Interesting." Pheobe stated. "Hair dryers don't like water much."  
  
She walked into the hallway where Cole was waiting.  
  
"Aaah! Oh, Cole. What's up?"  
  
"YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!"  
  
"Oh no!!" Pheobe gasped, remembering something.  
  
"What? You, don't like candid camera?"  
  
"It's not that! I wasted a whole good hair-dryer on Paige!"  
  
Cole thought for a second, before "SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!" 


	5. It's Leo in a TRUCK!

22 Ways To Kill Paige-Waigey-Wo  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Disclaimer: You know tha drill. I don't own Charmed, I don't own the people on Charmed, I don't own the people that play the people on Charmed, their parents, their relatives or anyone who knows them. Glad that's settled.  
  
A/N ~~~ Author's Notes are fun except I can't think of anything to write so I'll shut my mouth, or in this case, cut my fingers off.  
  
A/N ~~~ I thought of something now. Thankyou to Kimberley and Kristen, the best friends a girl could ask for. You guys inspire me, so spankyou. Or thankyou, whatever you prefer. And, albeit in the last chapter they were together, sadly, Kate and Dushko broke up! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo . . . . . . . *Looks around and realises everyone else in the room is looking at her strangely* *Looks again and realises there is NO one else in the room.* *Stops staring in the mirror*  
~Paige ran downstairs, anxious to get the paper. She had written a letter to Pheobe's column. Alright, alright. She had drawn a 'pretty picture' for Pheobe instead. It showed Piper, Pheobe and Paige smiling in front of the manor while Leo was on fire in the background. It had taken her a whole week to perfect, and she had gotten Kit to write the address on the envelope for her. She sprinted down the stairs, running like the wind, until she stumbled and found herself face-down on the floor. She looked up to see Leo standing above her, grinning evilly. He had a shiny pink high heel stuck out, and Paige realised that was what she had run over. He held out and hand to help her up, but when she reached for it, he just pulled away, making her fall over again.  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHA" His laughter echoed through the house.  
  
"Leo, is that you?" Piper called from the kitchen.  
  
"Of course not, honey." He called back innocently. He narrowed his eyes at Paige. "I'll be watching you."  
  
Paige had finally made it to the paper, after being gunned down twice by Leo and his shoes, and turned to Pheobe's column. There was no picture in sight. Paige began to cry loudly. She saw Piper come out of the door and knew she was going to get some sympathy.  
  
"Shut the F*** up!!!" Piper yelled. "For F**** sake I'm F****** trying to get some sleep!"  
  
"I thought you were in the kitchen, cooking?" Paige asked confused.  
  
"Isn't that what I said?!?!?! Geez!" Piper snatched the paper out of Paige's hand and replaced it with an orange. "There, eat that." As Paige raised it to her mouth Piper pushed it against her face, smooshing it into Paige's face. This caused Paige to start crying again, until she noticed Pheobe walking up the steps to the manor.  
  
"PHEOBE!" She yelled happily.  
  
"Ummmmmm, NO, sorry." Pheobe walked right past Paige to give Piper a bear hug, but Piper just pushed her away as she noticed something down the road and squinted to see what it was.  
  
"Look! It's Leo in a truck!" She yelled.  
  
Paige, being the dolt she is, ran down the steps onto the road, cheerfully waving at Leo as he floored the pedal, gaining speed by the millisecond.  
  
"Hi 'Leo-in-a-truck!" She yelled enthusiastically.  
  
Pheobe and Piper waved happily as Paige became pieces-of-Paige, flying over the road and into the Halliwell's front windows.  
  
"And that," Leo explained, "is why you should never mess with a man in heels." 


	6. Ronald and Donald return for Revenge

22 Ways To Kill Paige #7 RONALD AND DONALD RETURN FOR REVENGE  
  
Disclaimer: Charmed belongs to Brad Kern and was given birth to by Constance M. Burge, a genius of the arts, only, when she left the show we know as Charmed, when she left her great, colossal creation, it shattered into broken ruins and became a show Jayme doesn't even bother watching anymore, she just tapes it and watches it when she has some spare time. She misses Pwue and the fact that the Sole left too makes her sad, although she will forever remain true to Piper and Leo, if Holly Marie Combs stops smoking!!!!!!!!! (  
  
Disclaimer: I also don't own Farmer Jacks, although if I get enough money, someday maybe I will because the people that work there are sooooo nice! They put up with Kristen, Kimberley and I traipsing through their aisles and rearranging their shelves while two people push the third in the trolley, while TRYING not to bang into other people.  
  
A/N~~~ My advice to you: Read the prologue or else you will have no clue in a Paige who Ronald and Donald are.  
  
A/N~~~ Because of certain events occurring at Hamish's party, last night, Saturday the 12th of April will from now on be known as "Day of The Tongue". If anyone wants any specific and graphic details then REVIEW, my little pretties and I will share the information with you. MWAHAHAHA. . .HA. . . . HA!. . . . ha?  
  
Jayme's Dictionary~~~ Tumach- Tummy and stomach put together, the area surrounding your belly button.  
  
(PURELY FICTION!!!!!!) . . . . . . .wink, wink  
  
Prologue  
  
One thunderous, gloomy day, 3 hardcore young rebels known as Jamey, Christen and Kimberlie decided to walk to Farmer Jacks, a local cheapo supermarket a few hundred metres away from Jamey's and see what mayhem they could cause. They had fun. Blah blah woof woof, Then, on their way back up the alley to Jamey's back gate, they spotted 2 innocent trolleys, hanging around a pole at the top of a flight of stairs, enjoying their youth. They snuck up behind them, and Christen and Jamey moved to the side of the stairs to watch in glee as Kimberlie took a long run-up and then pushed a trolley down the stairs. It tumbled forward, turning over and then lay still at the bottom, unmoving as the trio of trolley-murderers burst into a cackle of evil laughter. Then they hauled it back to the top of the stairs, and Jamey took her turn, running from 6 metres away with the trolley and then pushing it down the stairs as it flipped over onto its side and tumbled down again, even faster than before. The girls could not hold their high-pitched laughter, they let it out as all the surrounding wildlife ran or flew away quickly, so as not to become targets if the girls became bored with killing shopping trolleys. Christen took her turn, concentrating seriously to inflict a maximum amount of harm to the trolley, then pushed it down the stairs where it rolled over, crying and then was stuck halfway on the cement landing. The trio laughed and then Christen stepped cautiously down the steps, and then kicked it the rest of the way. They ran down again to pull it up, but then realised it was far beyond the grave, body parts broken into disarray. They almost started crying with having nothing to do but then remembered the other trolley that the first trolley had been conversing with. It was cowering about a metre away from the stairs and they quickly pushed it down the stairs with joy and strength and ran away like the little cowards they were. As they returned to Jamey's, they decide to give the trolley's names, in loving (AHEM) memory of the trolleys. They immediately decided on 'Ronald' and 'Donald' and then abruptly forgot about the generous memorial service they had planned for Ronald and Donald's friends as soon as they jumped in Jamey's pool.  
  
The End  
  
~Hope you enjoyed that little bout of human cruelty to trolleys, if you have any qualms feel free to simply phone the Cruelty To Trolleys Organisation on the toll free number of 1800-JAIMES-HOUSE.  
  
Now for the actual story.  
Piper, Leo, Cole and Pheobe were sitting at the kitchen table to a cosy family breakfast that UNFORTUNATELY Paige had not been invited to, when they heard crashes and bangs coming from the attic. Piper and Pheobe ran upstairs to investigate, with Cole stopping very five seconds to help Leo, who kept falling flat on his face after finding it hard to run in six-inch- heels.  
  
As Piper and Pheobe stood cautiously on the attic stair landing, the crashes became louder. They threw open the door and found Paige battling with two vicious-looking shopping trolleys that were attempting at least seventeen WWF moves a minute. Piper and Pheobe screamed with laughter and Pheobe's scream turned to horror as Piper turned ghostly white, clutching her round tumach. {see Jayme's dictionary at top of page if you do not know what a tumach is} Piper sank to the floor, her laughter ceased and Cole and Leo, sporting a broad brimmed straw hat featuring colourful flowers reached the top of the stairs, only to erupt into giggles at the sight of Paige wrestling with two youthful shopping trolleys. Leo quickly realised that something was not right with Piper as raced over to his wife as Cole doubled over, smacking the floor with his fist as a way of releasing the extreme laughter he was experiencing from the not-so-comedic going on in front of his eyes, next to the pedestal on which the Book of Shadows lay unharmed. Leo knelt down next to Piper as she squeezed Pheobe's hand tightly, wailing, in a puddle of watery looking liquid.  
  
"Oh gawd, you're abouts to ave your baby, methinks." Pheobe said, eyes wide, in a 19th century British accent.  
  
"No sh*t!" Piper yelled through grimaced teeth.  
  
Pheobe jumped and backed off, returning to Cole who almost couldn't breathe with laughter. Paige had finally managed to get one of the trolleys off her, but Donald wouldn't give up!  
  
2 DAYS LATER  
  
"It's a beautiful little boy!" Leo said smiling as he handed Piper the baby which sat in Leo's gold handbag. Leo frowned as he saw what his handbag had become, a bloody mess. But the look of pure joy on Piper's face, mixed with that of serenity on the baby as it lay in it's mothers arms made Leo grin and forget about the fate which had befallen his handbag.  
  
Paige finally succeeded in throwing one of the trolleys over her head and she ran for the attic stairs.  
  
"Noooooo!" Piper yelled as she spotted Paige getting away. "She's ruining my homebirth!"  
  
Phoebe quickly sprayed some orange juice box onto Paige and then retreated as Paige backed against the wall, very scared.  
  
"What was the point of that?" Ronald asked.  
  
"Decreases Paige's powers, although mostly she's too stupid enough to use them anyway. Like if she can't find her car keys she decides to walk around the house looking for them, rather than orb them into her hand. And the last two days, she was wrestling with reborn trolleys, she failed to orb out, the dumbass!" Pheobe answered.  
  
Donald and Ronald nodded in appreciation, then Donald quickly swept Paige into it's broken basket. Donald threw Paige down the stairs and she lay unmoving at the bottom to thunderous applause from her sisters and their spouses.  
  
Piper, Pheobe, Ronald and Donald were getting drunk and celebrating well into the night. They sat across from each other at the kitchen table, now with broken beer bottles and weed strewn across it.  
  
"Why did you help us kill Paige?" Piper asked puzzled.  
  
"It was a favour to our dear friend Jayme." Donald explained.  
  
"Jayme? I thought she killed you." Pheobe said confused.  
  
"Of course she did. Best thing anyone could of done for us. We had a bad life, having to carry around disgusting groceries and smelly babies all day long! But Jayme, Kristen and Kimberley gave us peace. Now, we live happily in heaven, playing bumper trolleys all day long and practicing our gymnastics! I taught myself to do a round-off back sault back flip step-out yesterday!" Ronald said proudly.  
  
"Wow." Pheobe breathed. She attempted it in the backyard and then fell down the conveniently planted hole Piper had dug while she had frozen Pheobe while she was on the round off.  
  
And Piper, her dolt of a husband and their brat child lived happily ever after. They never did discover what was making the crashes and bangs in the attic, which I later found out to be the latest Source and Prue, getting' it onnnnnnnnnnn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
Then she dumped him. 


	7. Look out! It's a giant flying blown up t...

Look! It's A Giant Blown-up  
  
Tampon!  
22 Ways To Kill Paige  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed. Kristen might. Do you Kristen? She doesn't but she wants to. I'd rather own Dark Angel. Kristen doesn't think that Kimberley would want to. "Hello Kristen." Said Kristen. I'm on the phone to her and she just said hello to herself but. . . . anyway. Point being : I DON'T OWN CHARMED!  
  
A/N~~~ Thankyou to all the reviews, they're extremely encouraging and fun to read. Hint, hint! (  
  
A/N~~~ I like Paige except she should die more often on the show because then it would be funner. Apparently 'funner' tisn't a word. Well meh, Microsoft Word! Bill Gates obviously has a large vocabulary! So teh!  
  
A/N~~~ Sorry it took me so long to post Chapter 6, I had to have radical emergency amateur brain surgery to remove a nano-chip from my cerebellum before I stroked out from a neuro-chemical overload. That's my excuse and I'm stickin' with it.  
  
Pheobe and Piper giggled, crouched over what looked to Paige to be a Styrofoam cup sitting on the bathroom counter. She walked over, trying to lean over to see what was in the cup but Pheobe elbowed her backwards.  
  
"Oops! Sorry, Paige. I didn't see you there." She said loudly, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
Paige stepped to Piper's left, trying that side of approach instead but Piper just shoved her to the floor.  
  
"Owwwww!" Paige cried, picking herself up from the floor and nursing her gut.  
  
"Oops! So sorry, Paige, I didn't see you there." Piper laughed. Paige stuck out her bottom lip but before she could she heard a loud bang from the attic.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Probably you and yourself, goin' at it again." Piper muttered.  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"I said I have a cold!"  
  
"Oh. Well. Ummmm, sisters, what's in that cup?"  
  
"Oh, this cup?" Pheobe asked. "Nothing."  
  
Piper nodded earnestly.  
  
"O-kay." Paige narrowed her eyes unconvincingly but then noticed a butterfly flying around outside the window. "Ohhh, pretty!" She breathed. She ran downstairs and out the front door as Piper and Pheobe suspiciously tucked the cup safely in their hands and sneaked slowly up to the attic, ducking down in case somebody noticed them.  
  
Paige jumped into the air. She was running after a pwetty butterfly. It was pwetty. She skipped along, skip skip skippity skip skip skip, singing her little Paige song.  
  
"I'm Paige and I rage Everybody hates me Cos I resemble a vampire Now I'm chasing Chasing Chasing a pwetty butterfly You may think My song is stoopid But I'm Paige Don't act surprised Cos I'm Paige Paige Paaaaaaaaaaige!" She finished with a bang. The butterfly finally noticed the disgusting creature that had been following it and flew away quickly, not wanting to look back at the creature in case it threw up.  
  
"I don't see any disgusting creature." Paige said out loud. "Oh, I get it. It's ME!" She finished proudly, pathetically proud of the fact that she had finally worked out why everyone ran away from her in the playground as a child. And as an adult. And why her work cubicle had been on the very edge of the cubicles, right next to the wall. So that no one had to look at her. And she FINALLY figured out what that white monster was that stared at her from the other side of the mirror every morning. "Now it all makes sense!" She yelled triumphantly to an extremely ugly cockroach crawling down a sewer. It looked up and noticed her, then crawled away. It may be an ugly cockroach, but that white gangly thing was disgusting!  
  
Pheobe and Piper reached to pedestal upon which the sacred, beautifully encrafted, ancient, antique, family heirloom Book of Shadows lay and threw it open to a page labelled "Engorgement Spell." Holding the Styrofoam cup sacredly in their hands, they recited the spell.  
  
"This tampon is tiny This tampon is small Make it big Like a ball!" They finished with a flourish.  
  
The object in the Styrofoam cup, already three times it's natural size became as big as a. . . . . . BALL! It burst out of the cup and rolled across the attic floor.  
  
"Quick, Hebee! Go get it!" Piper yelled, opening the attic window as Paige walked up the manor steps, while singing "My song is stoopid, but I'm Paige, don't act surprised. ." She raised her head and noticed Piper leaning out of the attic window, small squishy objects in her hand.  
  
"Hi Piper!" She yelled smiling. Her grin faltered as Piper rained dozens of orange-juice filled water balloons down on her, pelting her with the sickly juice. Paige screamed and tried to orb out. But orange juice had gone on her, so, oh yeah, she couldn't! Convenient . . . . . . Meh.  
  
Pheobe, or as she/he is now widely known, Hebee, rolled over the giant tampon and threw it through the glass, with Piper pushing for more strength. Paige dumbly stood in the same spot. THEY HAD REMEMBERED HER BIRTHDAY! She had always wanted a beach ball. . . made of cotton. And jiffy pot. . . stuff. She looked up to it expectantly as it hit her square on the head, flattening her bones and her body until there was just a pile of dust. Triumphant yells came from Piper and Hebee as they spotted the dust.  
  
"I knew she was a vampire!" Hebee yelled stoopidly.  
  
"Uh, Hebee, we unfortunately got her out of that mess ages ago."  
  
"We did?"  
  
"Duh! Now hurry up or I'll accidentally lock you in the attic again."  
  
Hebee hurried after Piper. Even from all Hebee's yelling and screaming, Piper hadn't heard Hebee for almost a week. Well, until she had to use the Book of Shadows and she couldn't pretend she couldn't see Hebee right in front of her, could she?  
  
. . . . . . . . . That's an idea. 


	8. Ball Point Pens everwhere shiver at thei...

Another Way To Kill The Paige, from chapter 8 of the book, '22 Ways to Get  
your annoyingly pale half sister out of your life for good'  
  
A/N ~~~ Does anyone have an annoyingly pale half sister? Not just a pale one, an annoyingly pale one? Anyone? Anyone at all?  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed. I do not own any of the people who DO own Charmed. I do not know anyone who DOES own Charmed. If I did, all my ideas on how to kill Paige would go to THEM. The people I know that own Charmed. But I DON'T know anyone who owns Charmed.  
  
A/N~~~ Okay, I haven't posted for awhile, I doubt anyone missed it, mwahahaha BUT... THERE'S A BUT! But, I am posting anyway! HA!  
  
Paige: Chapter something  
  
Paige Veronica Elizabeth Shandaliya Hilary Gwendala Dinatteren Frances Fanny-Pack Hooligan Smithison Mathews Halliwell, long lost sister of 'THE Charmed Ones', daughter of a skanky witch and disturbed white lighter, granddaughter of a grams, sister of chosen ones, queen of pale skanks everywhere, woke up. That's right. She WOKE UP. Such an accomplishment for one so *cough*. Whoops, I coughed and nobody heard what word I said. Awwww.  
  
Paige woke up to homeless orphans standing beneath her window, singing 'It's a hardknock life, for us, it's a hardknock life, for us' in screechy, cat eaten little voices as she groaned and rolled over, a sharp spike surging through her stomach.  
  
"Ow! Piper! I felt that one!" She yelled. Since last week, she and Piper had been playing practical jokes on each other. For example, last week Piper hid a dinosaur in the plumbing so that when Paige had her bath, it came out and tried to eat her. Then Paige got her back by not putting the toilet roll in the bin after she'd used it! How cruel! So then Piper dyed Paige's favourite work outfit disastrous shades of brown and pinned a sign on the back, claiming "Paige soiled herself". But that was okay, cos Paige got her back by turning on Piper's lamp when she wasn't in the room! So when Piper got to her room, THE LAMP WAS ON! Today, Piper had put metal spikes in Paige's mattress, so they went through her stomach and back, causing various puncture wounds. But Paige hadn't been fired from the show, so she lived. Miraculously. You see, she wouldn't die seeing as SHE HADN'T BEEN FIRED! DUH!  
  
Paige put on her slippers, feeling tarantulas biting her toes. 'Ow.' She thought. Then suddenly thought of a good way to get Piper back! Put Piper's ugliest jumper in the wash! Piper hated that jumper, she would be so mad when she found she couldn't find it! Paige giggled to herself, then ran to get Piper's jumper from her room. It was at the far end of Piper's closet, the end with all the clothes Paige had given her. Paige wondered why the jumper was next to all the clothes she had given Piper! They were such nice clothes, and down the 'ugly' end of the closet. Piper had told Paige she would NEVER EVER wear the clothes Paige had gotten her, as they were too beautiful to ever wear. Paige instantly agreed. She loved Piper and Piper *cough* her. What a great family!  
  
Downstairs, she put some *orange flavoured* laundry powder in the machine, accidentally dousing herself with it too! "Whoopsie!" She said. She looked up to see Leo coming down the stairs, various shiny pink costumes from his drag act in his arms. He had finally come to terms with his homosexuality, unless of course he was around Piper, and she was naked, in which case he seemed to always *find his wood*. AHEM.  
  
"Paige!" He yelled, scared. Then his mind relaxed. Who cares? It was PAIGE. Like she was going to remember to tell Piper.  
  
[A/N~~~ Anyone ever notice how, Paige sometimes can't find her car keys on Charmed, and she just neglects/FORGETS to orb them into her hand! Geez!]  
  
Paige wouldn't tell. Two weeks ago she had caught Leo eating the last of the whipped cream off of his own body, and had ran off to find Piper. She had yelled at Piper that they might need to buy some strawberries, because Paige loved strawberries and cream. She licked her lips thinking of it. "You wanna use the machine Leo?"  
  
"Uh, yes please Paige, if you don't mind. I, uh, mean. Of course, woman! This is my damn house, I'll use the machine!" He added in a squeaky attempt at a masculine voice.  
  
"Okay." She ran up the stairs, remembering to tell everyone just how masculine Leo was. "Pheobe, guess what!?!?"  
  
Pheobe was sitting at the kitchen table, and smacked herself in the head for not being able to hide from Paige quick enough. "What?"  
  
"I had a boyfriend once!"  
  
"That's nice."  
  
"It was more of a friend who was a boy actually. Or maybe it was just a girlie friend with high testosterone levels. She had a moustache. I saw a funny man on an ad once, he had a moustache. My foster father had a beard. I saw Father Christmas once. Do you think reindeers are real? I remember, once on a t.v. show, people went deer hunting. Is it fun in the woods? Why are the called woods? Are there steels? What's steel made of? Why do people ask questions? Questions are gay!" Paige questioned, then remarked.  
  
"That's nice, Paige."  
  
Piper walked in, saving Pheobe from a life time of endless brain torture. Piper groaned and tried to walk out of the kitchen when she saw Paige was there, but too layte, Paige had seen her!  
  
"Damn." She grimaced and poured herself some coffee as Pheobe escaped.  
  
"Hi Piper!"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That's nice! You wanna play dollies?"  
  
"Maybe later Paige. Why don't you ask the little girl next door?"  
  
"Yeah! Good idea!" Paige ran next door excitedly, then came back a few minutes later in tears.  
  
Piper sighed. "Fine, what is it?"  
  
"She said, she said. . . I was too pale!" Paige sobbed heavily. Piper grabbed a stick of uncooked spaghetti, then patted Paige on the head with it cautiously. "There, there."  
  
She found a random ball point pen and gave it to Paige.  
  
"Here you go, suck on that."  
  
Paige put it in her mouth. "Thankyou Piper. I love. . ." Paige choked, pointing to her throat. Piper watched her amused.  
  
"What's wrong Paige?"  
  
*Choke, choke*  
  
Paige died. No one cried.  
  
NOTE TO READERS~~~ More people die from choking on ball point pens, than by getting eaten by sharks. So this is dedicated to a dear friend, Kimberley Jane Griffiths, who died from choking on a ball point pen. (KNOCK ON WOOD!) I love you Kim. 


	9. Fun for me, not for Paige I can't remem...

22 Ways To Say "goodbye" Paigey-waigey and "hello" To A Brighter Future  
  
Author's Note~~~ Thankyou to all of the reviews, they are very muchly loved, and to those of you who don't review: BEWARE. . .I'm gonna send you a stoopid chain letter email and you'll have to pass it on or else never, EVER go out with anyone. . . Sure. . . Well, if you DON'T review, I'll lock you in a room with no sunlight (just the way Paige likes it) and NO doors AND PAIGE!!! I'll make her SING. TO YOU.. CELINE DION SONGS..... NAKED!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I'm still writing these fan fictions and I', still NOT the owner of charmed, as each chapter seems to sate clearly, apart from Chapter One cos I forgot. . . . . . .  
  
Chapter Nine  
  
"ROAR!!!!!!" Roared a random demon. It was blue and green and black and red and purple and pink and orange and yellow and very, very, VERY scary. So scary in fact that it ROARED and Paige fell down the manor stairs. Poor Paige. Or not.  
  
"Ow!!!!" She screamed before it spat some ORANGE FLAVOURED saliva on her and laughed throatily. Leo came out from the conservatory, and upon seeing the act, giggled girlishly. "That's funny." He said in an extremely feminine voice. He cowered behind a random wall as the demon ROARED.  
  
"Sorry Leo." It apologised. "I had something in my throat."  
  
Leo came out, pretending he hadn't in fact been scared of the ROARING demon, when, he had.  
  
"I'm Rory." The demon said. "But you can call me ROARIE*." Leo giggled.  
  
"You're funny."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Um, um, um um um, I have to go pee-pee." Leo quickly skipped up the stairs, his floral pink skirt coming up to reveal his bright pink and orange underpants featuring Barbie.  
  
Paige groaned randomly. She didn't want anyone to forget that she was on the floor and in pain.  
  
"Owwwwwww. It's too bad I can't heal myself." She tried. Nothing happened. "Quick, someone help me! There's a demon!" She yelled.  
  
Roarie looked offended. "I don't wanna hurt anyone. I was hired by your sis- "  
  
"BAD DEMON! SHOO, SHOO!" Piper yelled, running down the stairs before Roarie revealed too much.  
  
"But Piper. . . "  
  
"Enough of that! Stop hurting my precious bastard-child half-sister!" She went to stand next to Roarie, lowering her voice so that the Paige on the floor couldn't hear.  
  
"I'll pay you later!" Piper mumbled. "Now do something demonic!"  
  
Roarie nodded, turning to look at the house. He picked up a blue vase from the coffee table and threw it onto the floor.  
  
"No!" Piper screamed dramatically.  
  
"Peace out!" Roarie yelled as he shimmered out.  
  
"Hey! PHEOBE!!! Clean up your mess!" Piper yelled, addressing the mess on the floor.  
  
"Just a second!" Pheobe yelled dumbly, not sure exactly what 'mess' she had left on the floor but eager to find out.  
  
"Noooooo. . . " Paige groaned from the floor.  
  
Piper looked at her comfortingly. "Don't worry Paige, I'll clean up the mess." Piper promised. She went to a random cupboard under the random stairs and retrieved many random objects, including a dustpan and broom, vacuum cleaner, duster, dust buster, a small broom and a large broom.  
  
"I can't. . . . moooooove." Paige uttered, her eyes half closed due to the immense pain she was feeling.  
  
"Don't worry." Piper said bravely. She moved to stand next to the vase, a couple of metres away form Paige, and then with all her strength, threw the dustpan and broom as hard as she could. She laughed as they bounced off Paige's forehead. Paige screamed. Piper doubled over with laughter as her baby cried randomly.  
  
She ignored it and picked up a large broom. She walked over to Paige, stabbing Paige in the stomach repetitively. She swept the broom roughly over Paige, making sure that the cobwebs landing in her mouth. She then threw the broom onto Paige and eyes the vacuum cleaner mischievously.  
  
"Stop. . . hurting, me." Paige uttered as Pheobe appeared at the top of the stairs looking hurt.  
  
"Hey!!! Are you hurting Paige? No fair, I wanna join!" She ran giddily down the stairs, picking up the duster and beating Paige's pregnant belly with it.  
  
"Take that, baby!" Pheobe yelled.  
  
"I'm not pregnant!"  
  
"Oh. . . . . Look!!!! A DISTRACTION!" She quickly threw the duster at Paige once more, then helped Piper with the vacuum cleaner.  
  
They sucked as Paige was vacuumed, they laughed as Paige cried, they screamed with happiness as Paige screamed in pain.  
  
"Whoopsie!" Piper yelled as she was sucked completely into the vacuum cleaner.  
  
"We didn't do it!" Yelled Pheobe! "We though she was the cream rug!"  
  
"Uh, yeah!" Piper yelled at the ceiling.  
  
An elder quickly orbed, uh, shimm, uh. . . appeared?, ummmm TELEPORTED down. From heaven. Where they live.  
  
"It's okay." She whispered loudly to the remaining Charmed Ones. "We understand." She gave them the Elder's secret handshake, a random hand slap, and TELEPORTED back UP.  
  
Pheobe and Piper smiled and Paige never came back. . .  
  
AND NEXT WEEK, IN CHAPTER 10, EXPECT A SPECIAL APPEARANCE FROM PAAAAAIGE!!!!! 


	10. A visit from the heterosexual in green t...

22 Ways To Kill Paige  
  
Chapter The Tenth  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed or anything associated with Brad Kern or the really wrinkly old guy whose daughter was on his other show, you know the one that they made Prue leave, that was about teenagers and had hot Jason Priestley on it? Yeah, that one.  
  
A/N~~~ Now kiddies, I doubt anyone reads MY pathetic A/Ns, but say I tell you a, um, fictional story. Now this. . . fictional story is real. It happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of mine. AND it happened to a friend of a friend. And it happened to a friend of mine aswell. So, there was a girl called. . . . Lora and a guy called Leam. They met at a party and um, made out some. Then she liked him. Then he said he liked her. So Lora was all 'the party, rocked!" And then Leam was all "Yeah, it was okay." Then the next day @ the skate park, Leam was all "So, Cathryn, should I ask Lora out?" Cathryn, Lora's friend was all "Yeah!" So Leam sent Lora a text message saying. . ."Hey baby, wanna come to the skate park now?" Lora was all "Soz, I can't right now."  
  
NEXT DAY. . . Leam asked out a girl called Monika. Deelwin and Dwayne (Leam's friends) told their girlfriends, Cate and Cathryn (Lora's friends) that as Lora was short, Leam had made a bet with one of his friends that he could get with someone shorter than HIM at Hamiche's party! So he went out with Monika, who he had liked for awhile, and left Lora feeling, well, BAD. Even her friends couldn't cheer her up. (It's a sad thought.) Then two weeks later Leam talks to Lora on msn, and through Deelwin and Dwayne, we all learn that Leam broke up with Monika. He thought she was fugly! That ain't very nice. Anyhoo then he asked out Lora, saying she was his FIRST choice only, she washis first choice AFTER Monika obviously.  
  
Does anybody agree that Lora should dump the cheating, lying, mean arse, rude, evil Leam ? Cos he's mean and . . . . . . some people don't want their friends going out with a mean arse like that. Cos there's more.  
  
Leam called Lora on the phone twice a week. They talk a bit and then he always says he has to go. Something more urgent to do. Then one day, Dwayne's school plays rugby against Cate, Cathryn, and Lora's school. Cathryn had broken up with Deelwin earlier that day, as he lied about having multiple girlfriends when he hadn't and APPERENTLY he'd had sex, and he hadn't. So Leam came too, as Cate and Cathryn and Lora and 3 of their friends, 2 of who had met all 3 guys, and 1, Ittzel, hadn't. Leam was the first to greet them, with a "Lora, why did Cathryn dump Deelwin?" Cathryn, Cate and the two others answered him and he was all "So. . . . "!!!!  
  
Leam didn't talk to Lora much during the game, preferring to just lean over her whenever he felt like it and make out, instead of talking or anything. All he wants is the physical side of the relationship, instead of liking Lora for WHO she is, he just likes her for her tongue. Ew.  
  
Please review if you think Lora should break up with Leam. Please review if you think Lora should go out with Leam. Please review if you think they are young and allowed to have mindless dates. Please review if you really don't care. Please review if you don't care, but agree that Liam should like Laura for Laura. That's right, our heroine's true name has been revealed. But anyway, this IS a fictional story.  
  
So Laura can't sue me. . . . I hope.  
  
Okey dokey, that was a bunch of nothing. Many of you probably skipped through the entire thing but it IS something I would love your help with and I respect everyone's opinions, and would love to hear them. So thanks.  
  
Bounty Blues  
  
Paige was on a beautiful old pirate's ship, singing along to her favourite song "I never believed this could happen to me, cos something like this only happenes to dumb girls-"  
  
"PAIGE! You ARE a dumb girl!" Pheobe yelled at her from the stern of the ship. Paige pouted and then climbed up to the crow's nest, loving the view. She noticed a seagull fly and land on the top of it, and smiled at it as she called hello. It responded by dropping someone long, orange and sticky on her from it's rear end. Piper laughed.  
  
"It's orange bird crap!" Everyone cheered for the bird as Leo chased it around, trying to get it to play dollies with him. He was in the middle of tying a white bonnet on it when suddenly a huge storm struck up, lightning crashing into the side of their pirate ship, thunder rumbling in the large grey sky, as it opened up, letting out huge sheets of rain that fell upon the Charmed Ones, Cole and Leo as they all screamed like young girls, and ran for the cover of the galley a.k.a the kitchen.  
  
They all screamed once again from beneath their drenched clothes, as the boat shook, tilting over almost to one side and then the other.  
  
"Help us God!" Screamed Cole. "I'm too young to die!"  
  
"Cole! You're a hundred and seventeen!" Pheobe yelled at him.  
  
"I know!" He yelled back sadly. The two lovers cuddled close as the end seemed near, the sky as dark as the Source's heart on a good day, rain seeping through the crack's like Paige on a toilet. Leo hid cowardly under the table, holding Piper's hand in case she was scared. He would protect to the ends of the earth. As long as it didn't mess up his hairstyle of course.  
  
Paige suddenly stood up bravely, donning a blue and red jumpsuit with a bright red 'S' pinned to the chest. "I'm Supergirl!" She yelled loudly.  
  
"I'm Piper!" Yelled Piper excitedly.  
  
"I'm gay!" Yelled Leo, grinning as he joined Paige and Piper standing proudly on the table.  
  
"I'm blonde!" Yelled Pheobe, jumping on to the table. Piper pushed her away and she toppled off, falling flat on her face.  
  
"You're not blonde! Dumbass!"  
  
Pheobe shied her head sadly. "I just wanted to fit in."  
  
Piper scoffed. "Never gonna happen! Now let's get our mouldy asses outta this boat."  
  
Paige smiled valiantly. "I will save you!" She walked bravely up the stairs and out the door, as the wind howled loudly and the rain flooded over her. "Aaah!" She screamed, in pain. No one cared. For a change . Paige always tried to be brave, so she smiled encouragingly, but she just couldn't help crying a bit. 'I wish I had friends.' She thought sadly. 'All well. I'll be a superwoman. . . . girl, and THEN they'll love me! All of them. Even Hebee! Oops, I mean Phoebe. No, Pheobe. That ex-blonde freak who doesn't know how to spell her name.' Paige cackled as Piper and Cole, who were peering out the kitchen door, gave her patronising looks. "Okay," she thought as she was lifted into the air by a skinny figure in green.  
  
"Hey! You're Peter Pan! Wow!" Paige yelled excitedly, squirming in his grasp.  
  
"Wow!" Peter mocked, changing positions so that he could hold Paige by her disgustingly contrasting orange and blue jumper that looked as though the sewing machine had thrown up on it.  
  
Peter and Paige flew over a few hundred mountains, a few seas, a couple of rivers, some streams, a pond, maybe a lake, and an ocean I think.  
  
****SOMEWHERE IN NEVER LAND****  
  
"Oooooh! Never Never Land!" Paige yelled, jumping up and down within her jumper, which she fell out of as Peter lost his grip and she fell through the air, Peter not caring about her enough to catch her. She fell into crocodile-infested waters with a splash as Peter smiled wickedly. He had been asked to make the drop, and he had killed her completely unintentionally. He was very, very, VERY evil. Peter was such a mean boy, and he'd killed an innocent pale woman! Peter was hella proud of himself, he'd never been so mean! Now he was ever so masculine, for killing someone!  
  
"Peter!" Called a high pitched voice.  
  
"Coming dear, oh Wendy sweetheart!"  
  
Piper paced around the kitchen of the ship impatiently. "Do you think she's dead yet?" She asked frustratingly.  
  
"She could be. Or maybe Peter took her off to have his way with her. He might have raped her first! Which wasn't in the deal!" Cole yelled, outraged.  
  
"No!" Leo yelled, equally as outraged. "But I wanted to have my way with him! Those sexy tights, not leaving anything at all to the imagination, due to the transparent material!" Leo grinned suggestingly.  
  
"I'm worried." Piper said, still pacing, periodically stepping over Pheobe's head as Pheobe was in her way of her pacing across the room. "I'm still worried!" Piper told them all loudly, a minute later.  
  
Leo smiled encouragingly. "It's okay Piper. It's alright to be a homosexual."  
  
Piper glared at him. "I'm scared that Paige isn't dead yet! I mean, do you think the orange bird shit was enough to disable her powers?"  
  
"It is every other time!" Pheobe said smartly.  
  
"Shuddup moron! I was asking myself! I'm the only one that ever has the right answer!" Piper yelled angrily.  
  
Pheobe whimpered under the table as Cole and Leo laughed. Of course she was right. But that wasn't why they were laughing. OR why Pheobe was crying. They were playing. . . . uh, 'footsie' under the table, in plain sight of Pheobe. NAUGHTY.  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere in Never Land, Paige was being eaten by a crocodile.  
  
END  
  
Okay, so please review to the author's note cos I would love any input! 


	11. Paige discovers a resemblance to a pin c...

22 Ways To Kill Paige  
  
Chapter 11  
  
A/N~~~ Thankyou for all the reviews, sorry I haven't updated in a while.  
For people that think I have a wacked out sense of humour, I agree with you. But just try sitting through a French or Science class with Kimberley  
and I, you'll end up in tears of laughter too!  
  
*Under NO circumstances, did I ask the French assistant teacher 'Voulez vou couche ave moi, misseur?' Translation: "Will you sleep with me tonight?"  
  
It probably doesn't' sound funny but if you saw the look on Erwan's face. .  
. .aaaah I'm cracking up all over again. What a dolt.  
  
A/N~~~ Kira, you're sooo gorgeous! Thankyou for ALL the reviews! I lub you and I'm glad we're friends again cos you rock! Kizza Rox. Sox. Box. Lox. Dox. Stox. Fox! Foxy Roxy. That's Kimberley's dog's name. Hi Roxy. You're  
Foxy. This is getting pointless now....  
  
Chapter 11  
  
In which Paige learns the pain of sewing  
  
"Paige! Get yo white mutha *beepin* ass down those yo stairs!" Yelled some  
random white rap try hard who had walked in off the street.  
  
"Just a second! Aiight?" She yelled back, a little unsure of the 'aiight'  
part.  
  
Piper walked in to see her younger sister about to walk out the door in a sheer black low-cut dress, originally displaying her nipples through the  
thin fabric.  
  
"Paige! Get yo white-ass back here!" She yelled angrily. Paige turned and  
blew Piper a kiss.  
  
Piper stomped her feet angrily. Sometimes she just couldn't understand her  
sister. That's why it was fun to kill her.  
  
Paige walked down the manor steps, guilt eating her insides. She'd never  
just walked out on Piper before. What if there were like, some cooking  
emergency? She quickly ran back up the steps, shutting the door on her  
loser date."  
  
"Piper! I'm sorry, are you okay?" Paige asked hurriedly, rushing over to her sister, putting the back of her hand on Piper's forehead as if to feel  
her temperature.  
  
"Get away from me you flee-infested mutant!" Piper screeched. "Leo!"  
  
"What?" He yelled from where he was ironing in a drag voice.  
  
"Paige touched me again!"  
  
"Paige! How many times have I told you to thoroughly clean yourself before  
you touch your sister?"  
  
"Sorry," Paige shied away; her head slumped in her hands.  
  
Piper exhaled loudly. "Geez, if you're goinna make it all about you. That's  
okay. THIS TIME. But don't make it a regular thing, kay?"  
  
Paige nodded giddily.  
  
"And where's my sistah, bitch? The one that I don't like. You know, the  
ugly one with the big ass."  
  
"I'm here! I'm here!" Yelled Paige, jumping up and down excitedly. Piper  
had never spoken of her in such a positive way before.  
  
"Not you. The other one!" Piper looked at Paige disgustedly. "I never  
realised how much the two of you had in common. Ugh!"  
  
Paige looked at Piper uncertainly. "You mean, you don't like me?" Tears  
began to form in her eyes.  
  
"Paige. Paige. Paige Paige Paige. I'm not going to answer that,"  
  
Paige nodded and walked away, into the conservatory to look at some. . .  
plants.  
  
"Piper!" Pheobe called in her droning male voice. "Come here."  
  
"Are you okay Hebee? You sound like a thirteen year old boy whose voice is  
breaking."  
  
"Are you asking if I have uneven amounts of testosterone in my body? If  
you're asking, the answer dangles dangerously close to a yes."  
  
"Are you sure you're okay? Your sentences are sounding. . . well formulated  
and the words sound like they're coming from someone with half an  
intellect."  
  
Pheobe cackled hysterically. "That's because of the little spell I used  
doofus!" She noticed Piper glaring at her.  
  
"Pheobe! Personal gain!"  
  
"I know, it's just I was hoping that maybe my boobs would go as big as  
Paige's did that time after she stole the book of shadows."  
  
"Pheobe. Pheobe. Pheobe Pheobe Pheobe. They already ARE that big. That's  
why you have not much of a brain, see. Your fun bags take up too much  
space."  
  
"Me no understand."  
  
"Shut that yo mouth, bitchbee! Now come help me murder that precious lil'  
gay ass looking at those weird-ass plants!"  
  
"Piper, um, why are you talking like a wigger?"  
  
"What yo wigger?"  
  
"A wannabe African-American! Get some yo brain!"  
  
"Hey! I can talk like dis mutha ***** if I wanta! New Yorkers talk like  
this."  
  
"Yes, but they don't sound as ridiculous as you do."  
  
"Shuddup yo mutha ***** white-ass! Now go get me some orange pins or  
summat!"  
  
Pheobe obliged, calling merrily for Paige. She came out of the 'plant place' and the two tackled her to the groud, sticking seven pins into her.  
All the pins contained an orange fluid. poison. thing.  
  
"Ow!" Paige screamed mercifully. The two Halliwell sisters laughed  
mercifully at her pain, using her as a rather chubby pin cushion.  
  
As they stood back to admire their handiwork, they noticed small squirts of blood from where the pins were and laughed at their fun. But Pheobe's laugh  
soon got annoying so Piper slammed her face into a wall.  
  
And they lived happily everly after! 


	12. I can't remember what I called this chap...

22 Ways To Kill Paige  
  
Can you hear the dolphins cry?  
  
I don't own Charmed.  
  
Chapter 12  
  
Pale Paige, the sadomasochistic freak walked down the stairs into the lounge room of Halliwell Manor, a large house that they called a manor so they sounded rich.  
  
"Hey Paige! It's joke day!" Yelled Piper excitedly. "We're telling Paige jokes! Wanna hear one?"  
  
Paige nodded eagerly. 'Oh boy!' She thought.  
  
"What's pale and smells like shit?" Phoebe yelled animatedly.  
  
"What?" Was Paige's willing reply.  
  
"Paige on the toilet!" Phoebe shouted, cracking up at her joke. Paige started laughing too, before realising Phoebe was laughing at her. Piper shook her head, a humiliated look on her face.  
  
"Phoebe that was pathetic!" She screamed aguishly.  
  
"Like you could do much better!" Phoebe screamed.  
  
"Hell yeah! What's pale and hated? PAIGE! So there!" Piper stuck out her tongue childishly and Phoebe sniffled noisily, wiping her nose with the back of her hand messily.  
  
Just then, everyone gasped as Leo orbed in. What a surprise!  
  
"Leo!" Piper screamed joyously, throwing herself at his tight, leather clad body. He made a face and uneasily picked her off using only his thumb and forefinger. "I didn't come down here just to shake my tail feathers with you, oh wifey one. I have a joke!"  
  
Phoebe clapped her hands giddily. "Goody! Goody! Me wanna hear! Tell me, tell me!"  
  
"Well okay then. See, it's like this! Once, there was this really pale freak and she had no friends and she made one cos this really nice girl made her feel sorry for herself and pale people everywhere were ashamed to be associated with the one really pale girl, so they booed her and pale people everywhere celebrated the victory of the pale girl getting booed, except the pale girl's friend felt sorry for her!" Leo finished, anticipating applause.  
  
The other stared at him blankly.  
  
"And that's funny how. . . . . ?" Piper asked scrutinisingly.  
  
"Duh! Because she has a friend!" Leo said, implying it was the most obvious thing to be said.  
  
Phoebe scratched her neck. Paige impatiently blew a piece of her hair off her face. Cole made 'Come here, sexy' faces to Leo, who looked to Piper, the one he knew he could count on for laughter. Crickets could be heard chirping in the distance as Piper coughed loudly, contemplating Leo's answer. Inside, her mind was working over time. 'The pale girl had a friend.'  
  
"Oh! I get it!" She screeched loudly, making the others snap to attention. "It's funny cos she had a friend and the pale girl was Paige and no one's ever gonna like Paige and her friend is a loser cos she actually likes her and that's why it's funny!"  
  
More blank stares. Pheobe joined in, trying to sound as though she were actually laughing, but her fake laughter was giving away by the fact that Pheobe's normal laughter sounds like a cow giving birth and her fake laughter was relatively normal.  
  
"I'm bored now." Piper spoke up after more silence and uncomfortable coughs aimed at Pheobe and her pretentious bullshit.  
  
"Is it still joke day?" Asked Paige.  
  
"What kind of question is THAT?!?!?!" Piper yelled, outraged. "Geez! Let's all be Paige and ask stoopid questions! Is it still joke day? Why don't you go masticate in the kitchen since no one wants you enjoying our lunch out here anyway! Masticator! " Piper's shrieked was ear-piercing as Paige whimpered softly.  
  
"Why don't you love me, Piper?" She asked, huddled in a corner.  
  
"It's not just me, Paige. I'm sorry but nobody really does. It's cos you're a try hard and you think you're cool, but you're a ranga with truly evil- looking eyes and you're smile scares children. You can't look in the mirror because it's your worst nightmare, and to be honest, your personality sucks."  
  
"That's a good enough reason I guess." Paige answered, walking into the kitchen to masticate by herself.  
  
"Geez, all that Paige-talking to gave me a headache." Cole said loudly.  
  
"I have an intestine ache." Piper commented.  
  
She was met with raised eyebrows.  
  
"What? It's possible! When you think you have stomachaches you REALLY have intestine aches! So urgh!"  
  
"This sucks ass. Let's put our plan into action already!" Leo whined.  
  
"Okay, boy. We can, but did you make Paige masticate on the orange?"  
  
"I sure did!" Leo answered, thrilled.  
  
"Good. Now we shall interrupt her mastication and kill her!" Piper cheered. She looked to Cole who was standing near the windows, watching a pretty butterfly.  
  
"Mmmm, nice colours." He muttered to himself.  
  
Piper shook his head and looked to Phoebe who was picking her nose, inspecting the waste she retrieved and then tasting it.  
  
'Wow, that's a big one.' Thought Phoebe, shoving her finger up her nose higher. "I got it!" She yelled excitedly, but before anyone could congratulate her on her enormous triumph, she had stuck it in her mouth.  
  
Piper and Leo set off to the room of mastication, hoping to kill Paige. Again.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I love masticating." Paige thought out loud to herself. She was answered with a snicker from behind the doorframe.  
  
"Who's that?" She asked.  
  
"Just me.us." Piper replied, walking in with Leo following her.  
  
"Oh. Good. Thanks for letting me masticate, Piper."  
  
"My pleasure. Will you repay me?"  
  
"Of course. What ever can I do for you?"  
  
"You could shut your head in that drawer over there. I know it isn't much, but I'm willing to let you make up for it with just that."  
  
"Of course!" Paige jumped up, re-energized and ran over to a kitchen drawer, shutting her head in it quickly, slicing a large hole in her throat and bleeding to death in the cooking utensils drawer.  
  
"Just great." Leo muttered. "More mess on my gorgeous floors."  
  
So Paige died and again, a celebration was in order.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N~~ For those of you who don't know, and think I'm some sick freak, mastication means CHEWING. Come on, don't pretend you knew that!!!! 


End file.
